Reebok takes kick in the ass over claims about butt-toning shoe

Tripping over proof of usefulness.

As it turns out, surprising to only those who guzzle fitness trends like they do each version of Gatorade, Reebok’s butt-toning RunTone and EasyTone shoes and related fitness products don’t exactly do what they claim to do: tone your muscles as you walk back and forth from the fridge. In fact, they don’t even help you do that. Reebok has agreed to pay $25 million to settle with customers.

I hate to say it, but the barefoot running folks will be next to hear this kind of news …

Yet, they remain for sale. 

What makes you run?

Prior to my knee injury, I was just getting my “run” back after a solid two-year lay-off from anything other than a few miles here and there for fitness. I would say I was a couple weeks out of a solid 1:15 half. But I like trail runs, so let’s call that a 1:25.

Then my foot buried itself into thick artificial turf at a moment when I wanted to change direction. The plastic, bespeckled grass refused to relent. It was it or the innards of my knee. Now slightly three months beyond that instant, I still limp slightly and can only ride a bike. Holy shit I want to run again.

I was a strong runner in my youth. A sub-5:00 mile. Sub 2:00 800. I sprinted too. And like most relatively apathetic, middle-of-the-road high school kids, I didn’t work at it like I should have. I played soccer in college instead.

It’s tough to keep my condition in perspective. I’m not missing my leg, it’s not riddled with cancer, nor am I in a chair. I even refused a handicapped parking placard. It wouldn’t have been fair, I thought. Most people with my injuries (ACL/meniscus/PCL) are back at full strength in about nine months. But that medical precedent does nothing for me. I haven’t had trouble breathing since the injury—and I hate that.

My first steps forward in a jog will burn. My knee will creak as the scar tissue wrapped inside is slowly hacked away with each stride, like a stream bank being undercut by an aggressive spring thaw. My heart rate will spike in probably less than a mile and I’ll have to prop myself up on the sides of the treadmill as the perpetual track continues to whirr under me. I’ll have to catch my breath.

I can’t fucking wait.

The hairnets are off

KFC is getting serious

You have to admire their tenacity.

Seriously, at least they’re not kidding around anymore.

Not since the arrival of the Hardees Monster Burger has the stock of defibrillator manufacturers spiked like it did today.

Kentucky Fried Chicken, the logo of which alone contains 200 calories, has decided it has zero interest in the survival of mankind. Thus, it is unleashing its own attempt at fast food genocide with the Double Down Sandwich.

This testament to afternoon cubicle naps and culinary slap in the face to the Food Pyramid consists of a few slabs of bacon, some sort of sauce and a few insertions of a cheese product that would confuse the line workers at Velveeta piled high in between two pieces of, well, certainly not bread. No, bread would be bush league.

The chefs (really?) at KFC headquarters, which is clearly located in or around Area 51, decided during a corporate event at Burning Man that it was time for some real originality in drive-thru fare. So they put all that bacon, cheese, sauce and whatever else in between two pieces of fried chicken. Original recipe of course.

(My keyboard is starting to become greasy, by the way.)

Among countless other questions that have started to filter through my sheer amazement that a business outside of the tobacco industry is brave enough to market a product that will literally eliminate its own customer base, I can’t help but ponder how the other fast food companies are going to react to this gauntlet being tossed into the fryer.

Can french fries hold together sandwich contents? What about the fried McMayo? That must have some legs.

And what about the alternate versions that we know are in the works? The Spicy Double Down? The Triple Down? A kids version is certainly being planned, right? Some cheese and bacon in between a couple of nuggets.

Really, now that the line has been officially crossed and the hairnets are off, the fast food wars are going to reach Palestine and Israel levels of hate real soon. This is going to get messy.

Anyone have a napkin?