The hairnets are off

KFC is getting serious

You have to admire their tenacity.

Seriously, at least they’re not kidding around anymore.

Not since the arrival of the Hardees Monster Burger has the stock of defibrillator manufacturers spiked like it did today.

Kentucky Fried Chicken, the logo of which alone contains 200 calories, has decided it has zero interest in the survival of mankind. Thus, it is unleashing its own attempt at fast food genocide with the Double Down Sandwich.

This testament to afternoon cubicle naps and culinary slap in the face to the Food Pyramid consists of a few slabs of bacon, some sort of sauce and a few insertions of a cheese product that would confuse the line workers at Velveeta piled high in between two pieces of, well, certainly not bread. No, bread would be bush league.

The chefs (really?) at KFC headquarters, which is clearly located in or around Area 51, decided during a corporate event at Burning Man that it was time for some real originality in drive-thru fare. So they put all that bacon, cheese, sauce and whatever else in between two pieces of fried chicken. Original recipe of course.

(My keyboard is starting to become greasy, by the way.)

Among countless other questions that have started to filter through my sheer amazement that a business outside of the tobacco industry is brave enough to market a product that will literally eliminate its own customer base, I can’t help but ponder how the other fast food companies are going to react to this gauntlet being tossed into the fryer.

Can french fries hold together sandwich contents? What about the fried McMayo? That must have some legs.

And what about the alternate versions that we know are in the works? The Spicy Double Down? The Triple Down? A kids version is certainly being planned, right? Some cheese and bacon in between a couple of nuggets.

Really, now that the line has been officially crossed and the hairnets are off, the fast food wars are going to reach Palestine and Israel levels of hate real soon. This is going to get messy.

Anyone have a napkin?

6 thoughts on “The hairnets are off

  1. Nice one! Utterly repulsive in content but it made me laugh out loud!

    Seriously, if anyone was naive enough to think that anything on the menu at KFC was “healthy” they deserve the impending coronary that is currently brewing in their arteries. The health craze is officially over in the US (if there ever was one to begin with). I see more teenagers with guts hanging over their belts (girls are guilty too!), smoking and sipping 500 calorie drinks from Starbucks. No wonder my health insurance costs are through the roof!

  2. They should be shut down for assaulting bacon like that.

    Bacon is the most glorious food ever!!……and I’m a vegetarian!

  3. It pains me, really, our health crisis. In this entire health care debate, can you remember any leader discussing fitness and prevention? Jaime Oliver’s Food Revolution is casting a dark light on this subject. You should see the scene where he prepares a chicken nugget for a group of kids the same way it’s done in the fast food industry. They were repulsed by the process but we’re more than willing to choke it down when he pulled it from the fryer. Unreal.

  4. Dear Mr. Hairnet,

    Did you even try to research this to look at the nutritional facts?

    Cause I’d much rather have a double down than the monster thickburger, big mac, or heck probably even most entrees at sit-down restaurants…if I was trying to be more healthy. Now I’m not condoning going out and getting a dozen double downs, but you act like it’s the worst food item ever created…

    KFC Original Recipe® Double Down
    Calories 540
    Fat (g) 32
    Sodium (mg) 1380

    KFC Grilled Double Down
    Calories 460
    Fat (g) 23
    Sodium (mg) 1430

    2/3 Lb. Monster Thickburger
    Calories 1417
    Fat (g) 107
    Sodium (mg) 2740

    McD’s Big Mac
    Calories 590
    Fat (g) 34
    Sodium (mg) 1070

    In reality, when compared with all the other crap out there you can eat, it’s really not that exciting in terms of overall unhealthiness. But at least it was a funny post.

  5. Thanks for the response and no, I didn’t research it. I imagine with all that chicken, which they now boast as “all white meat,” that the sandwich (can we call it that?) does have a substantial amount of protein.

    I have no doubt it’s better than a lot of what’s offered out there, in fact, you proved it so. I admit to simply reacting off the cuff about the Double Down but seriously, how can you not? And I assure you, I am no vegan or even a proponent of an all-organic diet.

    However, look at it.

    And, you have to remember that what we’re seeing is the Playboy cover version of it. It appears well-prepared, thick and meaty, almost hearty. A fast food glamor shot, if you will. Now think about it being prepared by a teenage malcontent with a nose ring piercing infection in a poorly supervised multi-restaurant drive-thru on an interstate somewhere. No thanks. I’ll take my chances at Subway. At least I can see their hands. (Not that their chicken is any more authentic.)

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